Forgetting and Finding Again

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There’s a spark that lit within me out of nowhere, a deep desire – a thirst, actually – to take on a challenge that could propel me into calling. The thought struck me as odd so I kept it to myself. But years later, that thirst came back because I realized that I couldn't and still can't suppress or forget it.

Somewhere between then and now, I took a deep breath, believed I was qualified and able to immerse myself into something I always deemed myself incapable of. All along, I knew my efforts weren’t the driving force, He was behind it all. But my disposition was there, so He led the way. I was picking up momentum – as we all do at times when we think we have a challenge down pat – but then I regressed back to my spot of doubt. The spot where I’m unqualified, insufficient, inadequate. The spot where my shortcomings are front and center and where I would much rather take the back seat.

But now is different. Now I am reminded not to forget about that thirst. It’s a thirst that persists regardless how hard I hide and fight it. It’s a desire that aches within me, it’s a need unfulfilled. It’s passion-fueled purpose, and it’s a relentless reminder that what will unfold, will.

It’s been 5 years since I had that spark. I’ve picked it up, put it back and given in and given up, but that’s the beauty of the now. I have a clear view of what lighting and dimming that spark does and being on both sides, I now know that I don’t want to continue living as if this thirst can be quenched once and for all. It’s a constant want to be overfilled so I can pour out to others but it begins with tapping into that spark, no holds barred.

So, in the spirit of finding renewed perspective  – I want to encourage you to think about the one thing you’ve wanted to pursue, have tucked away, but think about often because it feels like its chasing you. Bring it to memory, don’t forget about it. Don’t outrun it. Don’t doubt it. Instead, fan the flame. Remember why you wanted it and take hold of it, despite its magnitude.

You and me – we’re able, qualified and cut out for this –remember that, xx.

Jessica MartinezComment